The "Enlightenment-Story" of "OWK"
(Sw. Anand Vartman)

The following letter i wrote to some friends which asked me to "share my experience", and so i did, more then 2 years after "it happened". I was never able before to share it in such detail, so i was very happy to be "pushed" to do so...

I wrote a whole book which is called "Enlightenment" in Germany. This book describes many aspects of the "Truth" and of "Enlightenment" from a "neutral viewpoint", but in this mail i could share the "physical moments in time&space" which happened the days BEFORE this "enlightenment-experience" occured to me...

So, of course, it is "very personal"...
And maybe the start of a new book, a kind of "autobiography" and "life-story" ???
Who knows, time will tell...
Of course, reading the following mail is funny, cause it takes really long time that i "come to the point", but its worth reading on and i did not like to change the writing after it happened, did not like to cut anything, so just enjoy !!

Here this mail:

when i look now into the past of all of this and compare my own experiences with what people call "awakening" or "enlightenment", i would say, that i was "awakened" time after time even without knowing, that i was "born enlightened" (as everyone is), that i had many (DIFFERENT!) "experiences" which are often mistaken with "enlightenment" (and where mistaken by me too, oh my god, i was many many times "enlightened") AND i had "finally" this "experience" which "I" like to call "enlightenment", cause it was so final and seems to be the same experience osho describes and others described before... (and of course, also this was just a "starting point" of a total different "state of being" with different and again NEW "experiences"...)

Before I come to the "point", something to summery my "past before":
For many years i was in a kind of "tantric scene" in the west, did many "groups" and also my "lifestyle" was "tantric" and "esoteric"... I was in fact not so much searching for "enlightenment" (i did not even really "think" about that...) or "meditation", i was searching just for "blissfull" experiences, a so-called "energy-junky"... (*sm*)...

And, of course, i worked a lot with "kundalini", "chakra-stuff", "breathing", blablabla
In 1998 i went to india, even before i was a bit in the austrian "sannyas-scene" and interested in osho, but my main-focus was "natural india" and "kundalini-yoga". so i went to places like rishikesh and varanasi where i did intense (*very intense*) kundalini-tantra-yoga...

after travelling the south in search for some "hidden 2000 year old living master" called "babaji" one day i got TOTAL "fed up" with this "stupid search", dropped it, dropped the whole "spirituality", dropped every wish to be "something spiritual special", and decided to go back to pune (i was there just 3 weeks in the beginning of my travel) and "just enjoy life", which meant for me: "dance, celebrate and "fuck around""... (*sm*)

yes, to the "dropping" something more of the past: after i had a more or less "successfull life" in the west as a computer-programmer, i dropped this all BEFORE my travel to india, i sold all (or just "gave it away"), i even made a "die-ing and say good-bye party" to my close friends, knowing, feeling, "the one who will go will never come back..."... (*sm*)
and, another thing: the ONLY thing which i "wanted out of spirituality" was my wish: "whatever is AFTER death, i want THIS life to be my LAST life on this planet..."

so, i went to pune and again i must step back into the days "before this giving-up" happened:

I was in VERY VERY "strange" states. i could not sleep, the energy went up and up, i was total "energetized" all over and did not know what to do with this energy. i went around in madras/chennai for example from 4 oclock morning till night, slept just 2-3 hours, energy energy energy, but this was not really "blissfull", on the contrary, all the "normal-world" looked very very "strange" to me, i could see "something unknown is going on their" without knowing "what it is" (i had funny ideas like: "ETs" blabla), so this was strange...
after all, as i wrote above, i dropped the "spiritual trip" and went for "excitement & celebration" to pune...

this was end of nov 98...
i came to pune, still very much "in this exhausting, never-ending energy"...
btw: and now i get very "privat": long time i travelled with a girl-friend and we separated in orissa before, and she went to pune before, so when i came, i was also a bit "jelous" and "fear of loosing her", and, of course, i already had lost her... in fact, we never could establish a "relationship", but this was somehow my

"last dream" i was clinging to, i was "hanging on", the "tantric dream"...
so when i came to pune and saw, this relationship is "really really over", even more i decided now just to "drop all this stuff&spirituality" and JUST ENJOY... *sm*

(ah... btw: also in orissa i met some "masters" and we did some strange things together, and in varanasi before i got "yogic deeksha" which means "initiation into a yogic tradition", in my case, i became a "naatha-yogi"...)
(hey, it takes long that i "come to the point"... *sm*)
so, pune, hmmm...

in fact, i came to pune, cause i also did know that a 5-week "tantric intensive" is going to start and this i wanted to do since years...
so i went to an "interview"...
they said: of course, they dont know me, and i am no sannyasin, and even i made a lot tantric stuff before, it would be good if i make a small "beginners group" (3days) before, just to give them chance to know me... (to say it before: of course, i DID finally this 5weeks group, too)...
AND: they said, that they can see that i am in a "very strong/strange" energy and maybe a session of "pulsation" (reichian bodywork) would be good to do BEFORE the small tantra group... (*sm*)

i did this kind of breathing-energy-work for years, so this was a good idea, i made a session and of course i made it mostly "on my own", the "giver/helper/leader" did not have much to do...
and: it was WOW !!! really big catharsis... i went out total "blissfull", love for all, joy, blablabla...
from this session on, this "strange energy" was transformed into "bliss"...
the next days i did only one thing: DANCE DANCE DANCE !!! and: drink water. i did not eat at all, but i could sleep...
blissfull dancing, blissfull dancing, blablabla
AND: i chose to become sannyasin !!! of course... i was TOTAL in this "osho-bliss-dance-love-celebration-energy"... *sm*

5.december:

on the evening their was the "sannyas-celebration" and i was: "just blissed out"...
(btw: i was much in "natural dancing" since years, did "latihan" since years, and was working/awakening my "inner women" since years... this "babaji" was also just a symbol for the "inner union of male/female", an "androgyn yogi" or something like that...)
so, of course, i did "really wild dance", in male and in female-energies...

sannyas-celebration:
after "bliss bliss bliss" my "ex-girlfriend" came to me...
(hey, btw: now, after more then 2 years for the VERY FIRST TIME i am describing those days.... !!!)
..., so, she came to me with flowers in her one hand, her new boyfriend in the other hand, saying "hey, its time that you know each other...". BANG !!! "from bliss to hell..." i was soooo angry, i was fed-up...

next: some days before i met a beautiful girl which said, she will come to my sannyas...
SHE DID NOT COME !!!
BANG !!!
i was TOTALLY frustrated...
(btw: i met her again and again some days after, was a nice "flirt"...)
i went to change my cloth...
i thought: "resignation, i go home sleep..."
next thought: "NO !!! i wanna celebrate my sannyas !!! i dont give them power"...
full of a mix of anger, energy, "full-on", blabla, i went to the "commune-disco"...
some days before: i met a guy who was "long time sannyas" and lived in oregon..., we had a nice evening on a techno-party...
now back to the disco: there this guy was. AND: some older women on his side. she was also "long time sannyas" from days of oregon...
she was at least 10 years older then me, but she looked total "sexy", not "spiritual at all", just in a small leather-cloth...
and "I"? i just wanted ONE THING this evening: "fuck"... (*sm*)

...and out of my tantric experience, i had no judgements of "age" or "looking", so i "wanted what i can get"... (but she looked nice, too)...
but hey, what happened? after some "blabla" i took her hand and then strange energy flow through our arms. the arms in fact did something on their own (also moving), and it was like you put your arm into an 220 Volt electric box... strange, never had something like that before...
i had many energy-experiences before with breathing, prana, a.s.o., feeling "warm" or even "real flashes", but in this way, "really electrical" and that the body is "taken over" and you "cannot do anything about it", i never had...
so, of course, "we had to go to bed"... *sm*
(btw: also she never had this experience before...)
their some "normal magic" happened, like she had a champagner since weeks but the freezer was not working but on this day it was working and the champagner was cold...
many of this "magic" i had before in my life, and, of course, after "it" happened the whole life is full of this kind of "magic" ("existence on work..." *sm*)
So it was a beautiful, lovely, almost "holy" night, the sex was more or less "normal", but for the FIRST TIME i recognized: "i dont have to DO anything, everything happens on its own without my doing, on the contrary, i am NOT the one who knows what is BEST for me, their is some "higher" "something" which knows it "better"..."...
of course, i did "believe" in god or "something", but NOW i REALLY felt that their is some "higher something" which knows WAY BETTER what is "good" for me..., and EVERY "doing" on my side is more "destroying what is meant to happen" then really "creating something beautiful"...
mostly i thought so, cause i felt like "even after the BANG DOWN" after my "bliss" in "sannyas-celebration" their was "someone prepared for me", and "someone must have arranged it"...

i did not "know" what it was. it was not importand at all to give "this" a name...
it was just their, and i was now absolutely sure and convinced, that their is "something/someone" their to take care of me...
(i started also to believe in some "strong buddhafield" or even in a kind of "spiritual conspiration"...)
and: the energy-thing showed me, that their are many experiences which i dont know and which i can only experience, if the "energy wants me to experience it", where i can "nothing force, nothing do" "for it"...
so, what to say: after this night i "surrendered to this energy", to this "higher being", i did NOTHING anymore "on my own"...
and mostly: i did not FORCE anything !!!
i could see "existance at work", and that their is all done, really ALL & EVERYTHING by this "higher hidden energy", which has an "own intelligence" and an "own logic far beyond human logic"...

"forcing" for me became the synonym for "ego which wants something"...
i could see&feel, that if "I" do something, things "get wrong"...
i watched my body, just watched what "he" wants me to do (cause their was this "energy"), and i just did what feels right NOW, i was TOTALLY in latihan...
(btw: after my "experience" i was for at least one year "totally in this latihan"... - but then i stepped "beyond enlightenment" but this is another story)
(another "btw": of course, i did see, "everybody is enlightened all the time and they just pretend not to be...")
so, go on with my "story"...

the next day, 6th december:
the short, 3day tantra-beginners group started. first i "smiled" about it and the "exercises". BUT: i could see, if i TOTALLY follow "my energy", then at least FOR ME it becomes an "advanced group" with totally new experiences. i did not force ANYTHING... (means: not "doing" anything on my "own", out of my "mind" or "ego" or "wanting" or "doing right"-thingy, a.s.o.)
and: we had some exercise with blind-folders (like a did often often before), with "hands touching", BUT: THIS TIME again this "electrical energy" came, this time not (only) in my hands, but TOTAL CONCENTRATED IN MY SPINE !!!
my spine was full of electrical energy like 100's of volts, and of course i did know "bliss" before, and "love" and "joy" and "exstasy" and all this kind of experiences, but this was TOTAL NEW and i could not explain at all... i dropped my kundalini-yoga some month before, and NEVER i had THIS kind of energy before...

and: it was NOT TO CONTROL !!! it was just "out of a sudden", not "out of an exercise or doing". it was like this energy is "doing what it wants" with or better, "in" me.... i could not have "brought it back to the hara or base-chakra or something like that...". this would have been total stupid. their was not way to "control" this energy, it was "controlling and running me"...
this time, this energy went up to the heart chakra. btw: my guruji in varanasi did some exercise to "break the block" between the 3rd and 4th chakra, which is in the solar-plexus (in this system, the 3rd chakra is in navel-area...), and of course, i had much to do with this solar-plexus-block since 2-3 years..., and a BIG opening their in the pulsation-session some days before (and of course, in many of them many years before...)...
someone came to me, i could feel, and "measured" what is going on in my spine cause a hand touched me on my back in the height of my heart-chakra, exactly where the energy went to... - but i had blind-folder and i did not speak and share at all those days...
(i just had the deep deep trust: "all is right"... not asking for what is going on... i could feel, this "someone higher" does it and knows it well and no human can say me anything about that...)

7th december:
the second day in this group went like the first. i really could see, if i DO something (force), then it get "messed", if i just "surrender", all is well and high energetic bliss-states are their...

evening: somehow i remembered my "ex-girl-friend" and i could totally say to me: "her problems are not mine, i cannot heal their, i was on a healer-trip" (many years), and i said to myselve: "the other is not your business. never. just stay inside with this energy... all is well, everybody is driven by god and the "inner guru"...)
so i dropped my "healer-trip", AND: i forgot to say, that some days before i did the "aum-meditation-marathon" and in this i could finally see and drop the thought and wish "i am something special, i want to be something special"...
BUT: now the "but": somehow i stepped out of the "total surrender". some part in me, which i called "ego" this days and call "curious mind" now wanted to "know" if it is REALLY "over" with this girl-friend, and even more, what she "really" thinks about me..., wanted to know "the truth about it"...
(my god, this really sounds all just like a "stupid story"... *sm*)

so, out of a sudden, i "stopped" my surrender, "went with ego", went into the next internet-cafe, AND: checked HER email with HER password, which i did know (i never did that before)... and, of course, here it was standing: "i am so glad that this relationship ended", "i am so in love with this new man", blablabla...
so, finally i really and totally could "drop" this last dream (or lets say, existence dropped it for me...)
what happened with/in me next?
slowly walking down the street, des-illusioned, all is over...
all is over...
"their is no love in this world..."
"their is no real love"...
"nobody loves me"...
"all is over"...
blablabla
so, i went into the "german backery"...

"all is over"...
bought something to eat...
"something with fat fried potatoes"...
something total unhealty...
"all is over"...
i set their, in my usual meditation-sit... (half-crossed legs)
i closed my eyes...
sometimes i opened them...
mostly i closed them...
"all is over"...
sitting, rotating my spine clockwise like i learned in kundalini-yoga, just "automatically", not "doing it"...
"all is over"...
some old men are comming into the backery...
holding each others hands...
the older man shaking all over his body...
strong energy...
i just recognize them, close the eyes again...
"all is over"...
"nothing is left"...
they sit down near me...
the younger one (but still much older then me) looks at me, but i dont see it...

"all is over"
"nothing is left"
"what next ???"
"what next ???"
"what fucking next" ???
closing my eyes...
opening my eyes...
closing my eyes...
imagine, imagine "what could be next"...
imagine myselve, being "the one", an "enlightened being", giving "love & energy to everybody"
"nothing is left, now i go back into a room and sit their for the rest of my life, giving love&energy to everybody which comes to me, which comes into that room"...
imagine myselve sitting in that room, full of light, i am light, i sit, i am in bliss, i give energy...
imagine, imagine, "daydreaming"...
many people come, i give them blessings (in my imagination)
it goes on...
little "stupid": i imagine, the "ashram" puts me in such a room, i am a "hidden secret master" and they manage to bring some "chosen sannyasin" to me and i give them my blessings...
this was my "last" imagination...
then: i imagine, this "ex-girl-friend" comming, too, she comes into the room...
before i gave everybody blessings...
she comes into the room...
she comes into the room...
she comes...
"HEY !!! i cannot think anymore !!!"
"what the hell ???"
"i cannot think further"
"what the hell ???"
"i cannot imagine anymore".
"i cannot think anymore".
"i cannot think"
"I CANNOT THINK"
"I CANNOT..:"
"I..."
"..."

(nothing left...) !!!!!!!!

nothing left in my head, no "thinker" their, no thoughts...
surprise...
still i am...
no thoughts...
i try, i try hard, i cannot think anymore...
stopped. no thinking...

still i am...
how?
first time i realize, i am not the "thinker"...
this has died, this has "stopped"...
who is the "I" ???
their is not even this old "I" anymore...
still "I am"...
"I" open the eyes...
now, i have to say: i cannot total remember the "chronological" time-line how all this things which happened next came, which came first, or last, i dont know, cause also i left time, blabla, so i just write, how i remember "now"...
"I" open the eyes...
then i see it:

(or, was some other thing before???)
Ok, i just write what all "happened"...

The thinker has gone, still i am...

(somehow "between" i see, that the younger man is laughing at me. i dont know him. i look away. he stares and laughes at me. i get confused. is he homosexual or what ? dont know...)

again, closed eyes...
open eyes...
close eyes...
no "me"...
no "I"...
open eyes...
THEN i "see it":

first, i get "unidentified" with the body. the thinker has gone, now "I am", a body is their, i am not this body.
i "become something else"...
i never existed
i was never born
i am immortal
i exist since the begin of time
i exist till the end of time
i become: GOD !!!
i AM GOD !!!
this all is ME !!!
this all is IN ME !!!
I am everybody...
their is only ONE "I", and this ONE "I" is ME (,too)
everybody looks at me...
this is all me...
they all know...
it is like: "i was the last in this game"...
they all did play...
they all know

(after, i see, they dont like me to speak about it "direct", like they dont want to be "disturbed" and want to continue their "play of hide it"...)

they are all the same
they are all enlightened
i am the last one
they are waiting for me
this whole show was for me...
next: i become one with the whole existence...
i am this all...
i am all what is NOW
i am all what ever existed
i am all what will ever exist...
TIME STOPS !!!
all the time comes to "ONE SINGLE POINT"...
their is no time anymore...
i am out of time...
i AM time...
time is part of me
space is part of me
i am all

next: i DONT EXIST.
their is NO EXISTENCE.
nothing exists.
(but still "i am" in this "nothing"...)
all this: a dream, illusion, MY DREAM, but their is no "my", no "me", their is only this dream, nothing else, and the dream is the dreamer... nothing else...)

some time between all this:
energy comes up again the spine. full electric.
but this time: also on the front:
i have to breath, feel almost "next i get a heart attack and "this was it""...
i will go to die...
this body will die...
ok, die !!!
ok, die !!!
ok, i die !!!
no prob...
i die !!!

i "go out of the way"...
just "breath" like "the breath wants to breath"...
"like the energy wants me to breath"...
breath...
open mouth...
in front of body TOTAL OPENING of the "heart chakra"...
breath...
then: on the back, the spine vibrates, strong electrical energy...
i cannot do ANYTHING !!!
i am not in power anymore
"shakti rules"
("shakti" is a synonym for "kundalini-energy"...)

the GODESS rules, i am illusion, every "I" is illusion, all is run by "shakti" playing with herselve...
energy rules...
then: energy in spine comes up to the top of my head...
STOP !!!
TOTAL STOP !!!
NO "I"
NO "I AM"
NO "I AM NOT"
NO "NOTHING"
NO "ALL"
NO "DREAM"
NO "ANYTHING"
NOTHING BUT:
ENDLESS BLISS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
their is nobody their who enjoys it !!!
only bliss !!!
i am this bliss !!!
i am only bliss !!!
i am only energy !!!
i AM this energy !!!
i AM shakti !!!
"all my life i was running away from this energy, from my REAL SELVE !!!"
I AM BLISS
NOTHING ELSE

it feels like: "i feel ALL the energy of the cosmos, of the universe, of all times", i feel "all the emotions of all beings of all times in one moment"...
endless bliss...
the energy "just turned off the thinker"...
the energy "just turned off the I"...
"i am not what i thought i am"...
ok, i leave...
their is no life...
their is no world...
just fiction...
just a dream....
now: NO MAYA, NO LEELA, NO ILLUSION; EVEN NO NIRWANA !!!
ONLY BLISS !!!
nothing else exists...
btw: to say it in "one word", this was just my first "real sammadhi", later i had it on and on and the energy got much more subtle...
ok, chalo, i go...
even that to much to say...
cause: their was no "i" to go "anywhere"..., or better:
their was NO PLACE TO LEAVE and their was NO PLACE TO GO TO...
I JUST WAS THEIR...

beyond the beyond...
where no "reality" and no "illusion" exists...
where no "universe" exists...
where no "time" exists...
btw: other experiences i had this time: "there was no life before my life and ALL what is told to me is not true and just stupid"
"there is nothing to know"
"there is no knower"...
after around 30 minutes (dont know, really dont know), the energy left my head...
and i got cold for some minutes...
this happened some times again the next days and i was "ready to go"...
but i did just one thing: breath and: stay aware, just watch, not "doing anything"...
but i stayd...
i "expected" this body to die, too (after the old "I" has died...)
but, hey, it staid... *sm*...

(btw: after all of this, i went out and bowed down to the universe, could not believe that "i am this", and that "this body is still alive"...)

the energy left the head all the time after a while
and it was TOTAL BLISSFULL
beautiful "sammadhi"...
beside this "sammadhis" my "third eye" was total opened, i could see "the joke", "god joking with each other (form)", going "out of time in the total "NOW", blablabla, which i called "satoris" then...
i was god, i am god, their is only one i, blablabla...
another thing:
finally i felt, like their are "two I's" (this is the "real duality"...), and this "two I's" merged in me to ONE !!!
one "I" was the "unconcious energy", kundalini-shakti, which "rules the matter" and "came up the spine...
...to meet the "other half I" (now i like to say, the "one I" is just "split into two"...), and this other "half I" is "conciousness itselve", is "shiva", is "me what i thought i am before..."
in this way, i came to know that i was enlightened all the time before...
i just did not know...
did not: "remember" (others would say so...)
so, what i called "I" or "Ego" or "Me" was just "conciousness"...
and the other half was "energy"...
and they "met"
and I "became one with the whole universe"...
blablabla
somehow like that...

the often spoken "I AM" "(is all what is)" does not sound "total and final true" for me anymore... *sm*
and: the "real journey" did start AFTER, but this is a total different story...
and of course: when people came and "talked" i could nothing else do then: laugh laugh laugh, it was very funny this days...
and when i watched the "mind" (in "me") starting thinking again, also i could only laugh laugh laugh about this "thinking machines" to get "identified again"...
after the energy left, i was "pure conciousness left", a "shiva", which met his "shakti", the universe...
the "I" was just conciousness, and this it was all the time...
resting in "nothing"...
looking into this "existence"...

(i was much in the "watcher-space" after this..., more then a year it took, that the "watcher comes out again"... *sm*)
knowing, this "existence" is my "real I", is my "shakti", and i got "marriage with her"... *sm*
to go on in the "story":
of course, i did see, nothing ever is done by an "individual I", everything is done by this "one force", and the mind just makes a "trip out of it", some "personal story", but never he does anything...
out of this, i cannot go around and say people: "stop" !!!, to whom to say???
they dont do at all...
even they believe they do...
and even this is "right", is "part of the game", is part "of the joke"...
without this "believing in an individual I" nothing would happen...
so all is right...

if one has to "step out", if for one it is "enough", existance will "manage", nothing needed...
and still: ALL NEEDED !!! teachers, therapies, all part of it...
everybody gets (and "needs") in his way, what he chooses to get and need...
all is well....
and so i live a "normal life now"...
i am even "going to marry again"...
i "make money" again...
i work as a "programmer again"...
this body has nothing to do with the experience...
this body is nothing else then this body...
and lives his life...
(and "I" watch...)
btw: this "master" which was sitting on my side came after all to me, laughed, i laughed, we took our hands, both hands where taken by this electric energy again, did what they wanted, we became one, blabla, and i said to him, laughing, and not understanding what happened:

"do you know something?"...
and he replied: "do YOU know something?"
and i said "NO" and we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed...

(btw: the picture aboved of course does not show the described situation, not even the right person (the described happening & dialog was with the younger one ("satto"), but on the picture there is me with the older one who is called bernie") - but the image "fits very well" to the described story...)

the next days, cause this kundalini/sammadhi-experiencies went on, he went on in giving me some "hints", all happening in "meditating in the german backery and looking out into this movie of existence", into this "universal joke", just watching it together, three men sitting, just watching, being ONE inside, laughing inside about all this joke...
... and *many* things happened (*sm*)
...and *nothing* ever happens... (*sm*)
after some days of staying in this "silent knowing" i said a second question to him (after i saw all this "gods" playing with themselve but he and me staying "out of the game"...), i said:
"you are the only one"...
his reply: "no, its just a mirror, you are the only one"...
their was nothing more to say...
silence...
silence...

just silence...
REAL silence...
AND: in the same time, "being out their"...
I LOVE IT !!!

this for now, maybe another time i tell about my "stepping beyond enlightenment"... *sm*...
much much love&light
sw. anand vartman (also known as "owk")